At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
In a Podiatrist’s window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel – NO END
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company’s trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher’s door: Out Chopin.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard – bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On a Scientist’s door: Gone Fission
On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card…
On another Butcher’s window: Pleased to meat you.
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. – Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.
Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I’m towed to.
Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip call your plumber.
International Signs (Mis-Translations)
Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Athens Hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.
Athens, Greece hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Copenhagen airline ticket office: WE take your bags and send them in all directions.
Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours–we guarantee no miscarriages.
Denmark: in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
German/Austria: a sign in a hotel catering to skiers read Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
German/Germany: in a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Germany’s Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Istanbul hotel corridor sign: Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises.
Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Japanese information booklet about a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself.
Kyushi, Japan Detour sign: Stop: Drive Sideways.
Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
London office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking.
Majorcan shop entrance: Here speeching American.
Moscow hotel lobby across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Moscow hotel room door: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Roman doctor’s office: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Sweden: in the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.
Thailand: an ad for donkey rides asked Would you like to ride on your own ass?.
Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.
Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
Vienna, Austria hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
Yugoslavia: a sign in a hotel read The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.
Yugoslavia: in the Europa Hotel, in Sarajevo, you will find this message on every door: Guests should announce the abandonment of theirs rooms before 12 o’clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o’clock, for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival or after the 16 o’clock at the departure, will be billed as one night more..
Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.