HumourMiscSciences

The Quest for the Perfect Posterior

David Holmes, a psychology professor at Manchester Metropolitan University has developed a formula which he claims "adds up to the perfect posterior" according to a report in the Sunday Times.

I know Professors all over the world are a bit crazy, but this guy Holmes – who has presumably different interests than his fictional yet far more intelligent last-namesake, Sherlock – takes the cake! He has been … well… following some bottoms lately so he could rate them!!

Wouldn’t it be rather amusing for a crazy Prof to halt in the middle of the road and stop a buxom dame and say "Ma’am, you have an awesome butt!! According to my formula, you are rated 72.34!" Wonder what her reaction would be?

Its not that men haven’t had the tremendous urge to rate women – most do it all the time. In our school, every girl worth being rated was rated! In some of the boys groups, there are extensive and complex methodologies that are used to rate the females around… but none of us make it our vocation! This guy Holmes has taken the college pastime to a new level!

Now, such a lofty endeavor would not really be well received if there was no corresponding urge or need from the ones rated to be in the queue to get rated or at least reluctantly yet delightfully (strange mix but women are capable of displaying seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time!) receive the results!

So what does this formula look like?

(S+C) x (B+F)/T = V

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Where a score of 80 is the most perfect score! Hmm…. that’s a strange number! As for the alphabets above – here is what they stand for:

S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness.

V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

Rather interesting formula! The master-stroke is the T – notice it says skin texture? Now how does one get to know of the skin texure from looking at a bottom covered in two layers of cloth? Well, the idea is most certainly for the "rating subject" to bare the area to be rated to an intense but studious handful scrutiny of the learned professor! How’s that for Occupational Perks! Imagine the best looking blonde on the block queueing up on your door to get ger butt.. touched and its skin texture examined and rated!

Nevertheless, the friendly neighborhood Prof is not the least interested in confining his quest for the best posterior to his near-by subjects! He has aready solicited 2000 women across Britain to get themselves rated! Hey, at least the women in Britain can now lay their claim on having rated butts by Holmes Butt Rating System! Now how is that for competition? Here is a woman who carries around a rated butt versus an American darling who has a wild, unrated butt that doesn’t even have a category!! Its like a guy with a Credit Score of 650 competing against a new "Fresh-off-the-boat" immigrant from say, Cuba! Guess who gets paid by the bank?

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Now, I am waiting with a bated breath for Holmes’ next anatomical rating endeavor on his female subjects – the curvy cousins to the butts – way up on the female structure in the front… another, and may I say, a far more predominant obsession of the Rating Savvy Fraternity residents!

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Desh Kapoor

The panache of a writer is proven by the creative pen he uses to transform the most mundane topic into a thrilling story. Desh - the author, critic and analyst uses the power of his pen to create thought-provoking pieces from ordinary topics of discussion. He writes on myriad interesting themes. Read the articles to know more about his views and "drishtikone".

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