What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass!”
Too late – he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
“That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “I have a very similar problem … If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car!”
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh … silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had I four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”
“Well,” said the doctor raising his voice a little, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”
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