Lately, certain events and subsequent discussions made me angry. Discussions made me angry because I constantly felt that the other person was not listening to me and he/she felt that her/his advise was the best for me. Needless to say, I was less than charitable in my reaction. Through that entire episode, one thing struck me a lot – was there any chance that they would listen to me?
In any relationship, the reason why we hurt the other is because we are so full of ourselves. In our daily and constant existence, we are constantly deaf to anything else except our own voice. Our own voice is so strong that it drowns the messages that a relationship gives out.. infact shouts out! The person need not speak. If our minds could stop voicing its egotistic and narcisstic nonsense, spoken word from another is not necessary to "listen".
That is why, I felt that when I laid my heart, if despite that the other person could not comprehend my thoughts, ostensibly deafened by his/her own mind’s voice, was there any chance that the person would understand when I did debate my point, point by point? My answer was no. And I was right.
But this miscommunication is not a one way street. The same thing goes on with me too. I am as guilty of rejoicing in mind’s chatter (isn’t the first paragraph proof enough?). But there are times, when I have honestly tried to "listen" to others but did not get a reciprocation. That placed me in situations that potentially "compromised my interests". And the experiment was called off.
However, should this have been so? Should my attempt at wiping out the personal "noise" been dependent on someone’s else’s honesty with him/her-self? Is honesty of understanding my need or is it a bargaining chip that I should have been using??
These are some of the questions I grapple with.
I have seen that in my life that I have benefitted from being "ruthlessly" honest with my ownself. Now, its not that I was deliberately dishonest at other times, but the discomfort at the conclusions that I reached at in those times, seemed counter to my assumptions made based on "business-as-usual" thinking. If I look at those times carefully, I find that these were also the times that I had reduced my mind-noise (which used past baggage to give me direction – as if in auto-pilot) to minimum, and looked at the more sides than one.
Thought and Questioning (or Introspection) is like driving. In our evolution of our being and soul, there might have been times when we would have been in the learning mode and so went through these processes carefully and with least noise. But as the soul became completely engrossed in the material, and so cavalier with its ability to handle the mind, the mind became overly careless. And soon the mind did not realise when it was changing the gears and when it was stepping on the clutch. It was more engrossed in listening to the latest song on the radio while speeding through rush hour to work!
As Vivekananda said, it is perhaps time to unlearn. Unlearn… the ability to rush through the world without being aware! Awareness comes where Honesty is.. ruthless honesty and no noise! And this is not a favor to others but to ourselves. At least at this stage. There will come a time when others will vanish just as our own voices do. Because "others" are a product of our own mind’s voice.
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