Here are some fascinating one-liners!
– 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
– 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
– A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
– A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
– A closed mouth gathers no foot.
– A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
– A day without sunshine is like, night.
– A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
– A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
– All generalizations are false, including this one.
– All men are idiots, and I married their King.
– Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
– Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
– Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
– Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
– Assassins do it from behind.
– Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
– Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
– Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
– Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
– Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
– Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
– Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
– Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
– Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
– C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
– Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
– Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
– Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
– Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
– Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
– Death is hereditary.
– Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
– Did anyone see my lost carrier?
– Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
– Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
– Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
– Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
– Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
– Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
– Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
– Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
– Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
– Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
– Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
– Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
– Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
– Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
– Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
– For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
– For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
– Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
– Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
– Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
– Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
– Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you’re told.
– Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
– Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
– Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
– Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
– He who laughs last thinks slowest.
– Honk if you love peace and quiet.
– Honk if you want to see my finger.
– How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
– How does Teflon stick to the pan?
– How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
– I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
– I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
– I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
– I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
– I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
– I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
– I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
– I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
– I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
– I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
– I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
– I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
– I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
– I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
– I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
– If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
– If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
– If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
– If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
– If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
– If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
– If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
– If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
– If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
– If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
– If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
– IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
– It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
– It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
– It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
– It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
– It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
– Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
– Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
– Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
– Keep honking. I’m reloading.
– Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
– Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.
– Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
– Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
– Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
– Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
– Montana: At least our cows are sane!
– More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
– Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
– My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
– My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
– Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
– Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
– Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
– Never miss a good chance to shut up.
– Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
– Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
– No one is listening until you make a mistake.
– Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
– Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
– On the other hand, you have different fingers.
– Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
– Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
– Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
– Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
– Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
– Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
– Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
– Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
– Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
– Remember half the people you know are below average.
– Save the whales. Collect the whole set
– Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date!
– Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
– Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
– Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
– Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
– Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
– Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
– Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
– Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
– Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
– Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
– The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
– The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
– The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
– The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
– The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
– The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
– The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
– The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
– The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
– The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
– The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
– The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
– The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
– The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
– The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel.
– There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
– There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
– There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
– Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
– Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
– Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
– Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
– To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
– To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
– Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
– Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
– Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
– We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
– We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
– Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
– What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
– What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
– What’s the speed of dark?
– When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
– When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
– When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
– Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
– Who stopped payment on my reality check?
– Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
– Why is abbreviation such a long word?
– Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
– Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
– You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
– You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
– You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
– You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
– Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
– Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
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