ApPAULing Octopussies

Paul, the Octopus is on a tear. He has had a near perfect record of predicting this year’s World Cup soccer matches. Obsession with Paulie started in Germany as he was commissioned to help the hapless Germans get some self confidence back after the listless performances initially.

One after another, he came through on every match. The Quarter Finals was a tough one against Argentina. But Paul gave it to Germany. Not even the Gods or the crafty German engineering-sharp precision could help the Germans as Paul did. Germans routed the Argentines on the back of an Octopus.

Well, Gods in India have four hands, and here was someone with 8 arms. The potency of someone so well endowed couldn’t be matched in the Divinity business.

The Divinity doesn’t always give things to you, just because you are nice. Once in a while, it will tell you the truth as well. That moment came in the match against Spain. Paul went for Spain and Germany was in depression. The logical, Spockish straight-faced and as humourless Germans were now acting as emotionally depressed pussies. As people who had no faith in their own doing and effort. They lost pussy-footing around the ball, not shooting the thing where it belonged – the GOAL.

The match was a blow on the very psyche of the nation. The German pussies now wanted Paul to be fried, blaming the poor Octoped for their own lack of performance. Not working hard is bad. But blaming someone else for the result is even worse. Gods, even the 8 hands ones, are not Football referees – giving away games amongst their faithful. If you win, YOU win. And, if you lose, YOU lose!!

Meanwhile, Spain had finally found a hero. The country ruled Latin America for ages and wiped out their entire indigenous culture to replace theirs with the Spanish one. What do they find now? Latinos are better at everything Spanish than the Spanish themselves! So, if your vanquished beat you at your own game, you are one heck of a special type of loser. You are in the realm and zone of your own. No one even comes close to that level of loserville!

So, the Prime Minister of Spain, the ultimate beneficiary was very happy and apPAULed at the future of Paul – now christened as Pablo by Spanish – if it continued in Germany. So, he wanted to send a commando team to Germany, endangering the bilateral ties. It is rumored that a special Spanish spy group is already active in Germany looking at every move around Paul. Of course, the members of the team are tough to point out despite their perfect German in Spanish accent.

“I am concerned for the octopus … I am thinking of sending him a protective team,”

Even the Environment and Fisheries Minister of Spain is suddenly awake and taking his job seriously, otherwise, one can hardly find him doing much in Spain in this area anyways.

“On Monday, I shall be at the European Council of Ministers and I shall be asking for a [fishing] ban on Paul the octopus so the Germans do not eat him!”

There have been many takers for Paul. Even Italians are pressing for him and have named him Paolo. The world is meanwhile looking for Paul to do some real important things.

Sea Life, which operates 32 aquariums across Europe, said it hoped to make an announcement on Tuesday about Paul’s future. However spokesman Mark Oakley stressed that the mystic mollusc would certainly be staying in his tank in Germany. “We’ve been inundated with offers — from a betting conglomerate that wants to use him to predict sporting events to a Japanese fortune telling company that wants to use his image on the sides of booths,” Oakley told CNN. “There have also been many offers from media worldwide for Paul’s lifestory.

By the way, a breaking news from the world of finance. The losers at Goldman Sachs are now looking at Paul as their star investment manager.

Top US investment bank Goldman Sachs is said to be bidding US$4m a yr’s package for the oracle octopus Paul to head up its proprietary trading book. Goldman will convert part of its trading floor into a fish tank for Paul and put boxes of different markets, stocks, indices, equities and bonds for Paul to chose from.

Yeah right! You think the GS guys are that smart and hand over their portfolios to an octopus to actually do better than them?

Reference Links:

Spanish PM offers protection for Octopus Paul
What does the future hold for Paul the psychic octopus?
Italians claim perfect ‘Paolo’

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